Irked.

I just hate the transformation that takes place. Put him in a group of his peers or anyone slightly older and he suddenly becomes very insensitive. He jokes about personal topics, makes comments about my body, or just generally agrees with whatever is said, no matter how offensive. I'm pissy because of a one-word response - how stupid is that? I know (we all know) how powerful words can be, but it's also really up to me to decide how much I'll let it affect me. Right? I thought so, but some part of me won't let me trivialize it. Here was the exchange. Conversation between W, myself, and a Libertine* friend began friendly enough with slight jabs and normal banter. The conversation turned jokingly to the many ex-girlfriends W and Lib had in common. The snippet that stuck in my craw?

Lib: Ohh, (Ex #2), now she was a great piece of ass. She was great in bed.
W: Yeah!
(Sudden, excruciating silence. Nearly audible, "Oh...shit." from W's brain as it catches up.)

Never. Ever. Ever discuss the Ex in terms that sound even remotely approving unless current girlfriend is very laid-back or is friends with said Ex. He knows I'm neither of those things.

His need to be accepted by Alphas overrides the part of his brain that stops him from getting in trouble with the girlfriend. I'm trying to find the humor in it but it really just stings. It's not ok to talk about ex's, especially kindly, and especially in an intimate way. Of course my mind went berzerk trying to decode the tone. "Did I detect a note of longing? Of appreciation? Enthusiasm?" I don't think there was any of that, I think it was mostly just, "Acceptmeacceptmeacceptme," but that doesn't make the icky feelings go away.

The brother of said Lib friend noticed a distance between W and I for the rest of the evening. Literally, as we're normally attached at the ankle, hip, and shoulder, but I put a distance of about 20 feet between us at all times. He attempted to figure out what'd happened without actually asking, but when his hints turned up nothing, he decided instead just to give me a big hug and sit on my lap for a bit. Anything for a smile, right? He's a good friend, I like him.

So.

I'm pissy lately and don't feel like hurdling over the emotions the way I used to. It takes longer these days for me to get over slights and mistakes. Either I'm giving up or I'm just not able to ignore things the way I used to. Maybe my brain is full of ignored moments and won't accept anymore. If I'm cranky for the next few days, I apologize; I don't know how long to be angry over one little word, but I guess I'm going to figure it out as I go.


*The Libertine Friend: Male, one who tries to liberate his male friends from the bonds of their committed relationships. He's usually single, or else is in a failing relationship, and will use any means necessary to embarrass, humiliate, or cast in a bad light any pal's girlfriend in an attempt to prove his point that all men should follow their raging hard-ons to impale as many females as possible. Preferably bulimic bi-curious ones with daddy issues who like body shots and Jell-o wrestling. The Libertine is a complete pudwhack and is not to be endured.

It Must Be Something

...in the water. I just found out my lovely cousin is going to be a mama! (And no, my last post had nothing to do with this news.) It seems everyone around me is popping out offspring. I know four women who either just had a baby or are in the process of making one. Erika's baby is going to be absolutely beautiful, I can't wait for him/her to arrive.

((((YAY)))

To Pass The Time
1. Shampoo/Conditioner: Hemp Shampoo, Teatree-Mint Conditioner

2. Soap/Body Wash: I use W's, which is Herbal Essences (He got the urge)

3. Laundry Detergent/Fabric Softener: Tide, no fabric softener

4. Perfume/Cologne: Either B&B Coconut Lime Verbena, or CK One

5. Toothpaste: Regular old Crest

6. Daily Hair Necessities: Shampoo, sometimes, and an elastic

7. Music You're In To Right Now: Amy Winehouse, Nouvelle Vague, and Sublime

8. Makeup: Sometimes the full face, sometimes none

Favorites:
9. Favorite Food(s): Bruschetta, Guacamole (homemade..mmm..)

10. Favorite Drink: Rum & Coke, even after the infamous night at the Hammer

11. Favorite Fruit: Peaches

12. Favorite Vegetable: I enjoy onions and peppers, I put them in almost everything

13. Favorite Candy: Skittles

14. Favorite Movie(s): Empire Records, Sexy Beast, Waking Life,

15. Shoes: my regular sneakers if I must, or barefoot if I can get away with it

16. Shirt: really, I like my blue hoodie. But when I have to look like a grown up, I like my purple shirt

17. Bottoms: My darkest blue jeans or my comfy skirt

18. Underwear: Nein

19. Jewelry: a woven leather cuff, four rings, sometimes earrings but not usually

20. Actress: I also enjoy Emma Thompson, I also like Kelly Bishop

21. Actor: Kenneth Branagh and Joaquin Phoenix

22. Store: Staples (Few people understand this. Thank God for Deanna.)

23. Grocery Store: Market Bucket or Shaw's

24. Cookie: My homemade chocolate chip cookies

25. Thing You Sleep In: sometimes W's t-shirt, usually nekkid

26. Restaurant: I'm a fan of street vendors, but I also like The Rosa

27. State: Drunken. ;-)

I Was Born In 1984

..the very last day of '84, to be exact. But ya'll knew that. Child of the 90's, I am, and you probably are too. Here's the main section of a bulletin currently being passed around ("You know you're a Child of the 90s if..") as well as some of my own thoughts:

You can finish: "ice ice _ _ _ _ "

You remember watching:
-Doug
-Ren & Stimpy
-Pinky and the Brain
-AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
-Rocko's modern Life.
(And the Angry Beavers!)

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

You just cant resist finishing this . . . "In west Philidelphia born and raised . . ."

You remember:
-TGIF
-Step by Step
-Family Matters
-Dinosaurs
-Boy Meets World.

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. (When you had to get up in the MORNING to see any cartoons, after 9:30 or so it was too late.)

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
(Bonus points if you had the kind McD's used to give out, with the raised pictures on the outside. I kept crayons in mine.)

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not

When everything was settled by:
-rock paper scissors or
-bubble gum bubble gum in a dish or
-daddy had a donkey inky binky bonky.

When cops and robbers was a daily activity.

(When girls were cool if the knew the "special" way to clap to Miss Mary Mack)

When we played Hide and go seek at moodys, until our legs grew numb.
(I don't know Moodys, but I remember tree-tag.)

When we used to obey our parents
(Or opted to play outside so we didn't have to.)

You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time.

"Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" was both a game and a TV game show.

Captain Planet. He's a Hero.
(Gonna take pollution down to zero!)

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together.

You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.

You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.

You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3 . . . and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"

You remember watching:
-The Magic School Bus
-Wishbone
-Reading Rainbow on PBS.
-One Saturday Morning
(What about Square One?)

You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
(And kooshes, too)

You remember those Where's Waldo books.

You remember eating Warheads.

You remember watching:
-the 1st Batman
-Aladdin
-Ninja Turtles
-3 Ninjas movies.

You remember Ring Pops.

You remember drinking Surge, and Tang.

If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"

When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza AND tacos.
(Or the first lunchables, period.)

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
(I remember the guys who used to walk around with radios on their shoulders.)

Making those little paper fortune cookie things, and then predicting your life with them.

You played and/or collected "Pogs" :)
(I had one that was bubblegum scented.)

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.

. . . Furbies.

You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.
(My first interaction with the net was researching Snoopy for art class in 7th grade.)

When Windows 95 was the best.

You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.
(And played with pizza-scented Ninja Turtle action figures)

Michael Jordan was a king.
(And Brad Renfro was a dreamboat.)

YIKES pencils and erasers were the stuff!
(With mini treasure trolls pencil-toppers.)

All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.

You remember when the new Beanie Babies and Talking Elmo were always sold out

You collected those Beanie Babies.

Carebears
(Popples!)

Gak was the coolest stuff invented.

Lambchop's song never ended.

The old dollar bills.

Silver dollars, which were cool to have.

You remember a time before the WB.
(Life before Dawson... I miss it.)

You collected all the Troll dolls

If you even know what an original walkman is.

You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.

You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

You know the Macarena by heart.

"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said

You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"

You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.
(I still do. Is that so wrong?)

You remember hit clips being the best thing ever invented.

You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.
(Trust me, it's even more fun to break into a playground to play at night.)

Before the MySpace frenzy . . .

Before the Internet & text messaging . . .
Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .
Before MIKE JONES . . .
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .
Before Spongebob . . .

Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
(Cause you weren't sure which pocket it was in in your Trapper Keeper)

When light up sneakers were cool.

When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded stuff on VCRs.
(Or just missed the show, because you knew it would run again in summer and that was sufficient)

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off of our walkman.
(And to vote for the "Top Five at Nine")

When checking out drawing books and that one book about the rainbow fish from the library was THE cool thing to do.

You had slap braclets!
(And the resulting welts from overzealous friends.)

And you know what a crazy bone is...

Way back.

----
Never thought it all might change when I was older. Slap bracelets, tag, Goosebumps books, cops 'n' robbers, and even Warheads (in some public schools) are now mostly banned from use by children for various asinine "safety" reasons. Slap bracelets are the gateway prop to fetishism, after all, and playing tag (or any other game) has proven to be the source of slight discomfort to children who just aren't good at it. Poor dears. The 90's were the beginning of the end, I think. I don't quite miss them, but they sure were better than what we have now in alot of ways.

Stolen From Tylor

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss was .... given oh-so grudgingly

2. I am listening to... The whir of the fan

3. I talk fast...when I'm drunk, or arguing.

4. I love... a clean bathroom

5. My best friend... seems to have found a new best friend.

6. My Car .... is a petrie dish and currently soaked in Lysol

7. My love life ..... is painful.

8. I hate it when people ask .... why I take care of Kailey, or why I don't do it more.

9. Love is.... elusive.

10. Marriage...terrifies me.

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking.... "Jello shots are delicious!"

12. I'm always... questioning God.

13. I never....react well to tickling, unless I can tell you just want to kiss. Then it's all good.

14. People....are EVERYWHERE.

15. My cell phone ...doesn't exist.

16. When I wake up in the morning....I go back to sleep.

17. Before I go to bed I.... sit around and think about what I want out of life.

18. Right now I am thinking about... how inappropriate my expectations for last night's party were

19. Babies are... EVERYWHERE.

20. I like.... costume drama.

21. Today I... found my blue hoodie.

22. Tonight I will ... keep transferring blog posts from Myspace to Blogger.

23. Tomorrow I will ... call OfficeTeam, visit Madre, and finish cleaning my car

24. I really want to... get some answers here.

25. Someone that will most likely repost this... probably no one!

Why I Don't Like Church

I realized today that I wasn't crazy when I was younger. Sure, I had all the adolescent paranoia and I definitely felt the need to prove myself, but I realized today it wasn't just me being weird.

When I was younger, I was terrified to go to church. When I was really young, it was because there were some crazy people who went. Not God-crazy, but just weird. I got my hand slapped once by an old woman I didn't know because I was playing with a chalkboard, that kind of thing.

Then I got older, to around 11, where I knew who to avoid and I had a few friends I could sit with, and things were cool for about a year or two.

Then I quit dancing, and I moved from a public school to a private school. Those were significant changes, because previously we had all had dance and school in common. Suddenly, I was brushed aside. For some reason, I started feeling a need to improve myself, but I didn't know how. I didn't wear heels to church (I'm a barefoot or sandals kind of girl). I didn't wear short skirts or low-cut tops to church, I didn't talk, giggle, or pass notes during service. It wasn't cause I didn't have anyone to talk to, but I thought it was direspectful to dress and behave that way. I somewhat envied the girls who thought differently, because there were more of them than there were of me, but I can't say I judged them for what they did. I just didn't care. It wasn't me, and I was ok with our differences.

But they weren't, and they didn't make an effort to hide it. They were never outright mean, but they were never friendly in a way that seemed genuine, either. For a few years, they didn't even try to be friendly. I had considered a couple of them my best friends, and it stung that I was left in the dust. I tried to keep up for awhile but it was no use.

I remember one particular incident that I'm sure none of them will recall. In Sunday school one time, a friend of mine put forth an "unspoken" prayer request. Those were common, where someone wants prayer but doesn't want the problem made public. I was the only person in the room who didn't know what was going on, and they all proved that by talking in half-sentences about it. When I, out of curiosity and a desire to help out, asked what was going on, I was told by everyone that it was a "marshwood" thing and I was therefore no good to them and didn't need to know.

There were some young people there who were just outright mean. Say the wrong thing, wear the wrong thing, you'd hear about it. So I didn't blowdry my hair before going to church - I wasn't there to impress people, I was there to learn.

I still don't know what it was all about, but I'm still hurt about it. That type of attitude prevailed for a few years, before someone stepped in and said, "Hey, we're losing people in the church because we're not being friendly." For awhile afterward there was a very forced friendliness. I had stopped going to church altogether at that point but dropped in one sunday to make my mom happy. A rush of about six people who had previously been intentionally exclusive came over to hug me and tell me how much they missed me. Thirty seconds later, they were standing in a circle chatting with each other, with me on the outside, wondering what had just happened. Did anyone respond when I said goodbye? Nope.

They were friendly out of guilt, but not because they really wanted to be friends. By the time they were faking friendship, I started thinking maybe I was just being paranoid, but after talking about it to a couple of people today, I realized that maybe I wasn't crazy after all.

I don't really have a point in writing this. Maybe I'm hoping one of them will find it and read it (though I understand that they believe Myspace is "addictive" and so have mostly deleted their accounts; to which I say - don't blame a computer program for your lack of self control when you use it). I wanted to give a public reason why I avoid church, why I don't always smile and say hello when I walk by. You were so wrapped up in yourselves that you didn't realize you were hurting people, and you hurt more people than just me. Most of you are still doing it and don't even know, because you feel superior to people like me.

I live with my boyfriend. I'm helping to raise his out-of-wedlock daughter who he had with another woman. I chose to go away rather than fight to stay a member of your church. You're so high and mighty because you go to Bible studies together, you've never had sex (though I'm sure some of you have come really close) and you'd never consider associating with someone "like me" outside of church, where you're forced to "love" everyone. Whatever.

I know what Christianity means. I was lucky enough to be raised to believe that Jesus loves you despite your mistakes, and he doesn't stop loving you when you do something wrong. Remember that other people don't know that, and when you're so visibly judgmental of anyone who's life choices are different, you are scaring them away from something good.

I make no apologies for who I am or what I do, because my life is none of your business. Maybe that's why you never let me in. I wasn't willing to become one of you, and you just didn't know what to do with me. It never seemed to occur to you to just try being nice. Anyway... I'll come to church because I want to be there, not because it's a social club. I don't want your scrutiny, and I don't want you to try to "save" me. Jesus saved me already, I think you're just stroking your egos.

Summah

I don't need a get rich quick scheme, as long as I have a get rich eventually scheme. I hate never having enough money. I don't mind working, I do mind making insufficient amounts of money to help profit someone else's dream. It's just silly. W and I have been talking lately about starting a business someday within the next couple years.

I decided a long time ago I want to open an Inn. Not sure when it'll become possible, seeing as I have very little money and a short credit history. It'll be years in the future, I'm guessing - at least three, if not a little more. Just thought I'd display the few thoughts I've gathered so far. Strangely enough, I mentioned this idea to W and he said opening an inn was something he'd been thinking about lately. I guess someone's been watching a little too much 'Gilmore Girls.' (I used to think it's just cause he thinks Lauren Graham's pretty, but I have my suspicions that a certain someone also may enjoy emotional aspects that have NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with tight shirts. I don't dare ask, I'll just pretend he's staring at her chest and try to ignore the rest.)

Anyway... We probably have stars in our eyes when it comes to the amount of work it'll take, but I also think I would love the challenge. I'll update on this topic when the situation's changed. For now, I'm going to listen to the frogs (or something) whistling outside and try to sleep.

Invalid Subject

Been really sick for about a week now, I'm finally starting to feel better. I have about ten minutes (I think) before my nighttime cold med starts kicking in, so I thought I'd drop by and say hello. And a couple other things:

Monk isn't that funny.

Tylenol products taste better than generic.

I miss Adrienne :-(

I might have a job at a bookstore *huzzah!* If I can motivate myself to overcome my fear of the possibility of running into someone I don't wish to see.

I think I know what it feels like to be shot with a tranquilizer dart. In just the last two minutes, the whole world slowed down. It's lovely, and strange. I hope I don't have anything important to get done, I'll be useless in about two more...


Yup. Goodnight.

You Didn't Ask For This

ust wanted to take a minute to strike out at the natural order that lets women have children. You all know my beliefs, I'm sure, that I believe God controls who is given life and that he would not allow a baby to be born if it wasn't supposed to happen.

That being said, the way things are really frustrates me sometimes. Of couse it's all because I'm judgmental and snobby - we all are, in our own ways. But my judgmental nature wakes up when people get pregnant.

A certain person got pregnant a few months ago and it's taken me this long to (not) get over it. Truthfully, it still bothers me. One of those things I can't just let go, because it makes me feel I have something to feel superior about.

She's having twins. Fucking twins? This woman already has a son who she attempts to use to manipulate men to stay in her life. We once had a phone call from her little boy, sobbing because she'd convinced him W was his, "Best friend" and that he'd, "Always be there for him," and now he wouldn't be seeing him anymore. W hadn't put himself in that position at any point that he's aware of, but she made promises to her little boy to break his heart, and try to blame it on W so he'd stay around a little longer. She forgot that at that point, W was living for himself, so that phone call did nothing but further his resolve to get rid of her.

And now she's having two more. This is the woman who's online quote used to say, "I don't sniff coke, I just like the way it smells." Responsible, respectable, wholesome. June fucking Cleaver, pearl necklace and all. (Ew, unintentional dirty pun. I'm leaving it.) More like Joan Crawford, trailer park edition.

This is the woman who named a couple different men as the daddy before settling on the one she knew would take her back if he thought the babies were his. Stupid man, unbelievable woman. I don't know whether to be disgusted, or awed that she so clearly understands her situation and doesn't allow it to bother her.

Well, I guess those aren't mutually exclusive, so I think I'll be a little of both.

So. I'm a terrible person because it's not much of my business anymore. And she's a terrible person, just as a matter of fact, but of the two of us I'd have to say I'm in worse shape, because I'm still interested in her life on at least a monthly basis. I ask about her once in awhile to see if there's any new dirt. I'm sick.

Maybe she did grow up. Maybe I can give her the benefit of the doubt. She did try to apologize to W, in her own way. I doubted at the time - still do - that it was sincere. I look for the worst in her and always will, so to me and W it seemed she only was apologizing for turning him loose before she was really done with him. Not for encouraging him to mess up his entire life, not exactly for hurting him, but more for using him 'til she realized what she wanted. (Read: broke up with him, sortakinda, but still wanted him to be there for her when she was lonely.) Maybe it's something she really got past, but my mind won't let me believe it.

It's just... I try so hard to be a good 'extra' mom to K, and I've always wanted babies. I haven't had them, though, because I've never been to a point in my life when I was ready for them. I don't have a steady home life to bring a baby into, I don't think it's right to raise a baby without a daddy if it can be helped. The world is already overpopulated as is, so if I'm intent on bringing a baby into it, I feel it's my duty to do everything possible to make their life a good one. Settling for mediocre for yourself is one thing; bringing kids into your life when you're not taking appropriate care of the one you have is a different situation altogether.

I feel guilty for writing all this down, because I know we've each made our own decisions, and the bottom line is it's none of my business. It's just frustrating sometimes that life goes on the way it does.

I Can Has Cheezburger?

This evening on Yahoo.com's front page, the most prominent article is --- wait for it... wait for iiiit... ready?

Shoe tying. A video of how to tie shoes, "the old fashioned way". Thanks Yahoo!, now I'm paranoid. I've been tying my shoes the same way since I was six years old, does that make me out of date, or just old school? I don't jump on many trends but I'm wondering if maybe there was something I missed. A flyer? Perhaps a chain email? I hate not getting the joke.

I hate that this is news.

In other "news", I have a gigantic black bruise on my leg from perching too long on the window sill yesterday during the break in. Well, to be truthful, I did it again later just to see what it felt like to be a bird. Just kidding. Birds don't perch on my windowsill. This isn't a Disney film, after all. I figured I'd update you on my unintentional self-mutilation, since shoe-tying is headlining today's news. Maybe I should send a photo of my bruise to Yahoo!? Never know what'll happen. Maybe my injury will make headlines, and then be "ripped from the headlines" for one of those shows where they solve crime by poking dead people's innards. I can only hope.

Fingers crossed, ya'll!
Whuh?

K has a crush on a boy named Kevin. He's 5 years old, and sometimes they play together. If you ask her about him, she blushes and hides her face in her hands, and giggles when she tries to answer. She's only 3 years old! These kids start too young these days. Back in my day, we didn't like anyone until we were in the double-digits, if we liked them at all, but these youngsters are always jumping the gun, rushing in to everything willy-nilly*. The fitting for her wedding dress is tomorrow, Wayne will be discussing a bride price with Kevin Saturday morning. We don't know exactly what to expect, but there were rumors he was demanding no less than three oreos. We may need to postpone this arrangement for another year. We'll see.

Willy Nilly

Does anyone understand the new caveman commercial Geico's been running? Two cavemen are talking out on a balcony during a party. Caveman A says something to Caveman B about how, "A little loyalty would be nice, that's all." Caveman C runs in, announces he and (Jill?) are, "Getting back together," and is told to leave. Normally I have no problem putting these scenarios into some sort of context, but this one has me stumped. I get that maybe Caveman A wants loyalty from Caveman C after helping him through his breakup (or going through one himself?) but the line that throws me is said by Caveman A. The line, "What? Like having Geico makes me less of a caveman?"

What is that supposed to mean, anyway? I tried working out what it might represent as a euphamism, but nothing made sense except maybe, "erectile dysfunction,"** but I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that. I somehow doubt Geico wants to be subliminally equated to a flaccid weiner, especially since their target audience seems to be men in the 18-35 age range, but that's all I could come up with that didn't delve into more sensitive territory. (Gonorrhea, perhaps? I'm thinking that's a little taboo for the realm of advertising.)

If anyone wants to explain that commercial to me, I'll give you a lollipop. Tootsie pop, even, and you can choose which flavor.

This Is What Happens When I Watch TV At Night

Just saw a new DQ commercial, in which a waffle bowl (really a man in a giant foam costume, for the skeptical) opens his door to find a lovely blonde swirl of ice cream. "I just moved into the building," she says, "Do you have some chocolate syrup I could borrow?" (Comment: What links those two thoughts together, I'm not certain.) "Sure," replies WaffleBowl, and hands her a bottle. "Just out of curiosity, what do you want it for?"

"Oh," she smiles coyly. "I was just thinking I'd dump it all over myself." As she turns to walk away, we see WaffleBowl's reaction. Shock, as we'd expect. And then, half a second before the words "Dairy Queen" take over the screen, a sudden... extra reaction. WaffleBowl is watching her walk away and suddenly visibly tenses and grunts sharply. Kind of like he'd been punched in the stomach. . Kind of like something else that likely is much nicer than being punched in the stomach. The screen is immediately filled with images of the new dishes, and it was so sudden I thought I didn't see what I thought I saw.

Maybe I'm being a perv and misinterpreting an innocuous moment of comedy, but that's ok with me. It was hysterical. I can't wait to see it again, and I'll admit: I'm now very curious to try what DQ has to offer.

Long One, Get Comfy

Easily the most interesting afternoon I've had in a while. About 5 this afternoon, W and I decided via text that I'd make a quick picnic dinner, grab K from daycare and jet over to the school so they could visit for a few minutes before his first class. I had to be there by 5:30 to make it work, so I ran around throwing dinner together and trying to make myself look decent.

All right, more than decent, which may be part of the problem.

At 5:14 I ran out to the car, jumped in the driver's seat and - no keys. I never, ever take my keys out of the ignition when I'm home alone because I don't have my own housekeys anymore. (That's being remedied tomorrow.) I'd forgotten W had driven my car last, and he has freakishly uptight ways when it comes to leaving cars unlocked with the keys in them. He'd brought my key inside. I groped around under the seat, frantically searching for a spare...only to realize I don't have one. Never have. I ran to the front door, praying that maybe I hadn't given it the extra tug necessary to latch it securely. I had. No dice. Damn my sudden need for security measures!

The back door wasn't any better, it was actually quite the cocktease. The knob turned, but the bolt was still firm, despite my attempts to will it out of place. Wasn't sure what time it was then, but W pays by the minute for every minute K is at daycare past 5:30. The only window I had a chance of getting in through was our bedroom, and I was elated when I was able to jiggle not one, but both screens out from the back. (Now that I think of it, we're not very safe here.)

Thank god I'd left my laptop where I had, because I pulled it's cord to bring it to me, reached in through the slightly open window and sent a text message to W, "You DID bring my keys inside last night?" A moment later I had the affirmative, with, "Sorry bout that. Why?" "Just wanted to know before I tried to break in."

I hauled a mildewy box out of the shed and did a test jump on it to see if it would hold. "Mehhh... probably," was the verdict, and I planned my ascent. First I removed the glass from the window (wow. Really not safe here,) then pushed the matress away from the bed. I was glad no one else was home, because it was noisy as hell and I said a few words I wouldn't be proud of. I very slowly clambered in the window, over the spiky ledge, and onto the bed. As I pulled my foot in, my computer beeped with another text message from W: "Did you try the back door?"

He's brilliant. I'm brilliant, we're all smart here.

I got K two minutes late and made it to McIntosh with about five minutes left to visit. I have two huuuge bruises on my shins from kneeling very awkwardly on the sharp metal sill. They look like someone tried to take my knees out with a baseball bat. But I survived, clothing and all intact with a little bonus dog poo on my right sneaker. I'm not washing it off - it's the smell of success.

Risky and the Dirty Thirty

So, much as I'm enjoying not having to wake up every morning, I think I need to stop wasting so much time. I've sent out a few applications, but I think the fact that I'm not willing to have a flexible schedule is hindering the process.

I don't know, it just seems like too much to ask. If a job is going to pay you a buck or two above minimum wage (my choice of jobs anyway, I'm stepping out of legal for awhile) why would they expect you to have a loosely defined job description and schedule? I've accepted jobs before where those were the stipulations, and it always ends up with a full-time schedule without benefits. Most of the places hiring in the area are chains, and one of the biggest money-savers for large-scale commerce has to do with wages and benefits. Most places schedule less than 40 hours per week, but end up calling the morning of a shift to ask the employee to come in early, or wait until shortly before the shift ends to tell them they have to stay late. It's all in the bookwork. They're getting a full-time employee without needing to pay overtime, or workman's comp (in some places) or provide any benefits. That's how stores like Toy's R Us get away with having a staff of 40 hour per week workers with only three or four full-timers on the books.

That's why I have such a problem working for someone else. The lesson has been that employers see their employees as a place to cut costs, and will use any tactic necessary to ensure they don't waste a dime. In another job I once held, the timeclock was programmed to alert supervisors if their employees were a minute late or early; employees were then forced to punch out to ensure not a moment of work time was wasted, not a moment of unnecessary overtime was wasted. However, employees were expected to punch in to work as much as seven minutes early each day, and were not compensated for the extra time. If everyone did as they were told, the business would get 35 minutes of uncompensated work from each employee per week. That's 1,820 minutes per year, per employee. That's about 30 hours per person, free.

In too many businesses, employees who question the system are told they're replaceable, but any employee who tries to leave or asks for time off is made to feel guilty or responsible for letting down "the team". It's completely frustrating to try to find a job knowing that this treatment is likely ahead, but I'm still working on it.

So please.. get off my back.



1. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship.
White trash ;-)

2. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
Umm... October?

3. What were you doing at 8am this morning?
Snoozing, though to be fair I had already driven around Dover.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Writing up a CL ad for Wayne's truck

5. Are you any good at math?
Sure

6. Your prom night?
Was a long time ago, and awesome.

7. Do you have any famous ancesters?
Wright brothers, "The Kingfish"(Huey Long)

8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?
Yes

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
Of course. I sing in the car, too

10. Last thing received in the mail?
A belated Easter gift from Wayneo's dad

11. How many different beverages have you drank today?
None

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?
Not unless I knew I'd have to leave one. I hate telephones.

13.Who was your first boy/girl friend?
Actual or imaginary?

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Nope, sometimes I draw naughty pictures though. It makes me giggle.

15. Is there anything seriously bothering you?
My stomach is in distress, though I don't know why.

16. What is out your back door?
I don't have one right now, but if we get the place we're looking at - the woods!

17. Plans for tonight?
Probably getting a movie or going to see Pathfinder.

18. Do you like the ocean?
I love it, I just don't like to swim in it.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn?
Yup, they make great trashcans when you're done.

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
I walked through one once, I think. We were supposed to go but something was wrong with it so they closed it down.

21. Do you like or love anyone in your top 8 on myspace?
I love them all, they wouldn't be there if I didn't.

22. Something you are excited about?
Buying a home and getting my own kitchen!!

23. What is your favorite color of Jello?
None... ew.

24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
Yup, Artie! Well, Arturo, and he once threatened to beat Wayne's head in with his oxygen tank.

25. Describe your keychain....
I have two - one is glittery cherries, and one is an eagle's foot holding something. I think it used to be a skull? Found it in Wayne's truck,

26. Where do you keep your change?
In the armrest in my car or in a jar.

27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Not for a long time, probably high school.

28. What kind of winter coat do you have?
Um, it's faux sheepskin, off-white and full-legth. It's huge and cosy.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Closed. All doors have to be closed.

30. Do you call or text more?
Text, since I don't have a phone.